How to be a teenage guy.

So, you’ve hit thirteen. The big 1 3. You are now officially, a teenage guy. But the thing is, you don’t feel any different. You don’t act any different, in fact aside from bring a day older, are you any different at all. At this point the fear sets in, what’s gone wrong? I’ve not turned into a greasy scum-ball like everyone else does when they become a teenage guy…and my entire IQ’s still here! Maybe my parents got my birthday wrong, or maybe I’m actually an alien child left on Earth by my true parents for one unlikely reason or another! Hold your horses there, the fact that you’re even thinking along these lines shows that the change has set in, as you will discover later during this guide of how to be, a teenage guy.

So, first things first. You’re worried that something’s gone horribly wrong and that you’re not actually a real teenage guy. Right there are at least two signs that you are. For a start, you totally discount the possibility that anyone else in the world has this problem except you, which is a classic symptom of TGN (teenage guy-ness). And of course, telling anyone else about it is an idea too outlandish even to be considered, ‘cus that just wouldn’t make you ‘ard. Girl logic may be crazy, but at this point TGL (Teenage Guy Logic) dictates that to find the way to solve the problem nobody’s ever had before, you search the Internet for someone else’s answer. And that’s probably how you came to be reading this.

The first thing to do is to talk correctly. While this in itself needs to be practised, it can be picked up quickly enough. There are many different degrees and lengths you can go to to ensure correct speech, although there are some basic ground rule everyone has to follow. For a start, names in general are out, and first names may as well not exist. Your friends will be ‘mate,’ ‘man,’ or ‘dude,’ although if you want to be ‘proper hardcore’ then ‘bruv’ is not out of the question. Other words that will now feature a lot more in your life are ‘like,’ ‘right,’ and  ‘whatever.’ These should be placed in the sentence as often as possible, the more senseless and illogical the better. Swearing is to be revelled in, rather than feared as before. Any abbreviations or euphemisms that are in fashion, especially if they’re crude or derogatory, should be used religiously.

Next thing to sort out’s the posture. You can’t go around as a self-respecting teenage guy with a straight back and a purposeful stride. Oh no. First off, slouch. Slouch like every single step you take costs you enough energy to power Slough for six weeks. This is applicable both when sitting and standing. With practice, a good slouching position I even advised during sleep. If you can’t feel your spine curving a good 20 degrees more than usual within the first six weeks, you’re not slouching enough. Overall your height should drop by about 15-20 cm. The only exception to this is when your ‘crew’ or ‘posse’, otherwise known as ‘the lads’ approaches, or when there are those mythical beings, the ‘girls’ nearby (for more information on ‘girls,’ see part two). At this point, you should straighten up as much as your newly maimed spine will allow, and walk like a mentally damaged chicken. This is called the ‘strut’ and should be the only way other people of any standing or importance ever see you move. While sitting, try and open your legs as far as possible, keeping your knees wide apart. This is the only true way for a teenage guy to sit, and makes you look ‘well ‘ard’ to any who may be watching.


Coming soon, Part II of ‘How to be a Teenage Guy’